hell am i?
what life had i lived and which life will i continue. i have found the love of my life but i am still living in this shell of mine. i am messed up already, philosophically, religiously and even as a human being. i feel that i had lived my past 20 years wrong. im keeping my spirits up but my morale is so low. i bring bad tidings to good people, am i sent from hell? did i turn out to be someone i hate in the first place? i turned from a strong person, then realising my weakness is so deep now. like only a hard shell. im so robotic, and i used to be so proud of it. almost feels like i woke up one day and realising beneath my skin are wires and gears, a self conscious robot. i am not, i have no metal in me. how can relationships flip, love turn into hate. so many sadful things happening all around. plus i am so powerless and i can only be a weeping bystander. scared if i cared, but wrongly i will cut their wounds deeper. am i such a anti social idiot who can't even not do anything bad socially? i can dun bring comfort, but not pain? i am cursed. im not even good at school, i say i am passionate but hell im stuck. is it that i can't acheive, and using responsibility as an excuse i have no strong passion now? my half heartedness stemmed from perfectionism. its a mechanical response to survive... adapt to my own character. live normal? maybe i do feel i am not normal at all, only now, in a bad way... i've abandoned almost everything for love, and i still feel im not as crazy about love as i should be. am i really holding back?
i need, to. go. somewhere far to live on my own if it will come to it. life. one chance?
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