hell am i?

what life had i lived and which life will i continue. i have found the love of my life but i am still living in this shell of mine. i am messed up already, philosophically, religiously and even as a human being. i feel that i had lived my past 20 years wrong. im keeping my spirits up but my morale is so low. i bring bad tidings to good people, am i sent from hell? did i turn out to be someone i hate in the first place? i turned from a strong person, then realising my weakness is so deep now. like only a hard shell. im so robotic, and i used to be so proud of it. almost feels like i woke up one day and realising beneath my skin are wires and gears, a self conscious robot. i am not, i have no metal in me. how can relationships flip, love turn into hate. so many sadful things happening all around. plus i am so powerless and i can only be a weeping bystander. scared if i cared, but wrongly i will cut their wounds deeper. am i such a anti social idiot who can't even not do anything bad socially? i can dun bring comfort, but not pain? i am cursed. im not even good at school, i say i am passionate but hell im stuck. is it that i can't acheive, and using responsibility as an excuse i have no strong passion now? my half heartedness stemmed from perfectionism. its a mechanical response to survive... adapt to my own character. live normal? maybe i do feel i am not normal at all, only now, in a bad way... i've abandoned almost everything for love, and i still feel im not as crazy about love as i should be. am i really holding back? i need, to. go. somewhere far to live on my own if it will come to it. life. one chance?

155 days left

I got to keep talking about ORD because its what I'm heading for and what I need right now. NS doesn't make sense, further more, commando is all about slavery; It is just uplifted and glorified slavery; The regime's robotic puppet, we work in their will and when rendered useless we are just thrown aside. Regret or not, I still treasure the friends I made in there.

5 months left and I realized I had been not working my brains alot. I am dumb this moment. Discipline or not I must revise my JC content, at least to maintain my intelligence. Working in army, under all those 'regulars' who don't really have much academics, had grown to be stupid like them. My worse sacrifice is my violin, really lost alot of skills and agility and the special violinist's feelin'. Have got to start regularly practicing again to recover from the NS trauma.

dong buay tiao

its been a year and 4 months since i enter the idiotic regime. 6 months left and i swear this last six month of ns is the toughest. I had enough with all of it already. Just want to start uni life.... or rather cv life NOW!

Violin...... how do i get back my touch and agility and skills..... its all gone...

cantwait

194 days left to rid of any stupidity in life.

back from thailand, finished atec, finished UC (basically finished all the major stuff in ns), now its 2NTM standbysss, guard dutiesss, NDP rehearsals... and to look for that non-existent MSK...

Only good thing out of the mess is got time in camp with my strings and improve on instrumental command.. and keeping my fingers as nimble as possible before i revive my violin. like so many thing im gonna do in another 194 days... cook, make pedals, music..

my next project: toroidal voltage adjust polarity protected power supply for music. any ideas for features or lobangs on components pls i wanna know!

Stuff you must watch and rewatch: Pure Pwnage (www.purepwnage.com) their film, the whole production and acting is just genius.

Amadeus: Classic... just good stuff, lots of thing happening behind the reel too which makes it special

crescendo

Ex Crescendo, what can I say, waste of 29 days time, pointless exercise. Don't want to go but have to,can't wait to be back. leaving in a few hours time...

a month away, time to think about stuff, plan stuff.. \

hope i can survive a month not touching my guit or vio...

down time

headache that a strong painkiller cannot suppress, pain in my chest when i walk... think my body's deteriorating. Got bitten by some unknown stuff, a cluster of little swellings front and back, doesn't seem to subside and it gives me random stinging pains...

now i need:
1M and 20K alpha pots
to ORD!
health
knowledge of vacuum valve electronics

thailand will suck, 1 month just goes to waste, just unacceptable... will bring books there to read, listen to lectures. NTU where i wanna be now....

I want:
A cnc router
desk drill
free shipping from my supplier.....

looks like i wanna start a workshop in my room, can't.. but those will speed and ease up my PCB making process. If there's more space in my flat i would have gotten a drum set...

279 days more

Lunar (Chinese, whatever) New year in about 15 mins, but I don't seem to be positively embracing its coming. What I've been through made me numb to stuff, Its all nonsense until ORD.

But all's not gone to waste, I've made friends whom I shared music with, gave me other views on styles of music I have not tread. Exchanging specialized knowledge with each other in our own instrument mastery really enabled me. Got alot to learn in playing in a band, since all along I had played solo-type instruments.

Music is still prime